Queen at the crossroads

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took nearly thirty years ago to give large chunks of her shares to her son. "It was my one moment where sentiment ruled my head" , she said yesterday speaking in tears at her draughty home stone's throw from Victoria Station. "Honestly, I could crown myself.

A meeting of the cast was held last night and afterwards members of what they still like to call the "Royal Family" emerged tight lipped.

spokesman for the company was more forthcoming. "Things were begining to slip. They are still fantastic on the ratings of course but we have to keep ahead of events. If we can't give the public what we think they ought to want we could end up with a bloody republic. Coronation Street is an ever present menace."

Middle class

The Queen was accused by some of her critics of being too middle class. With her taste in small dogs and plain head scarves she was thought to present too little of an alternative to Margaret Thatcher, whose plunge through the ratings has been one of the most spectacular disasters of any TV show this decade.

In contrast to this the producers have been grooming Lady Diana for stardom. They have not yet tried her out in a speaking role but so far £10 million has been spent on wardrobes and hairdos.

Programme script writers have been working on a secret project whereby she adopts a Vietnamese boat child and brings him up (girls have been ruled out) herself aided only by a nanny and four live-in nurses.

- Inability It is hoped in this way to distract attention from Prince Charles, whose contract still has 50 years to run but whose wooden acting style and inability to remember any lines are a constant embarrassment.

Later at a secret hideout to get away from the phones the chief script writer said: "It is not unusual for heads to roll from time to, time, but we've never had a reaction like this. It is however our view that once this all blows over nobody will remember the Queen's name in six months.

Viewers have : already been given a signal of possible disaster in a recent episode when young fanatic, crossed in love, emptied a revolver at the Queen. She was saved in that episode when an army sergeant headed the bullets away from her without sustaining injury.

'Students'

In the most recent eipsode a group of sinister German 'students' have been caught camping out in the Queen's garden. So far their explanation that they thought it was a park has been accepted but there is widespread speculation that this could be the beginning of a story line in which the Queen will meet a very grisly end Meanwhile there are some cynics who say the whole thing is a put up job spent on special effectsjust a dreary story of hum-drum family with too much money and pothing to offer:

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to get some life back into what is-despite a fortune